SECTION 4.22

215.  This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; And him that cometh to Me, I will in no wise cast out.  Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, in no wise!  As who should say, By no means, for nothing whatever he hath done.  But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, That Christ did not mean me and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had not done as I had done.  But I would answer him again, Satan, here is in these words no such exception; but him that comes, him, any him: him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out.  And this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, But do you come aright?  And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin.  If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make!  It was for this in John, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from it.

216.  But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace, yet that of Esau’s selling of his birthright, would still at times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would be my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go, if He will.  Then that scripture gave me hope, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.  Heb. xiii. 5.  ‘O Lord,’ said I, but I have left Thee.  Then it answered again, But I will not leave thee.  For this I thanked God also.

217.  Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace.  I saw it was with me, as it was with Joseph’s brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them.  Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.

218.  Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in Joshua xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer, then saith Moses, they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands, because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime.  Oh! blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, who lay in wait to shed blood: It was not the wilful murderer, but he who unwittingly did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did not hate his neighbour before.  Wherefore,

219.  I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated Him not aforetime.  I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver me up.  This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.

220.  Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, Whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin, yet after that to receive, though but the least, true spiritual comfort from God though Christ?  The which after I had much considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:—

221.  First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort; For to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin.  Heb. x. 26, 27.  Secondly, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life: It shall never be forgiven him neither in this world, neither in the world to come.  Matt. xii. 32.  Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven.  Mark viii.

222.  When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.

223.  The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended, was a falling quite away; that is as I conceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4.  Secondly, I found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as to put Christ to an open shame.  Thirdly, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: It is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance.  By all these particulars, I found to God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.