SECTION 4.21

205.  By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold.  And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau’s parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.

206.  Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; My grace is sufficient: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because for thee was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also.  Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as My, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

207.  At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me.  This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about Esau, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.

208.  Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven.  Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: Why, how many scriptures are there against me?  There are but three or four; And cannot God miss them, and save me for all them?  Sometimes again I would think, Oh! if it were not for these three or four words, now how might I be comforted!  And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.

209.  Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul, and John, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had said unto me, All our words are truth, one of as much force as another: it is not we that have cut you of, but you have cast away yourself.  There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon, but these and such as these; it is impossible, Heb. vi.; there remains no more sacrifice for sin, Heb. x.  And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God, than after they had known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21.  For the Scriptures cannot be broken.  John x. 35.

210.  These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the avenger of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for ever.  Joshua xx. 3. 4.

211.  Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be satisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul?  I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.

212.  And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of Esau, then tormented.  Lord, thought I, if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once, I wonder which of them would get the better of me.  So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.

213.  Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last that about Esau’s birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy.  And as I was in a muse about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, Mercy rejoiceth against judgment.  James ii. 13.

214.  This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory.  2 Cor. iii. 8–11.  Mark ix. 5–7.  John vi. 37.  Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.