SECTION 4.10

102.  These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God.  I often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country.  Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away.  I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his.  1 Sam. x.

103.  In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would serve but that.  If it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.

104.  Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were.  Yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell, or sin, as mine was like to do.  Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow was, I could not find, that with all my soul I did desire deliverance.  That scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions, The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt.  There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked.  Isa. lvii. 20, 21.

105.  And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one.  I was much dejected, to think that this would be my lot.  I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of God; while I only was in the storm or tempest.  This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.

106.  While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great affliction.  Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies.  If I had been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.

107.  In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes: he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; still drawing my mind away.  Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that, Fall down; or, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.  Matt. iii. 9.

108.  Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God; then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to these: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind, that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as they.

109.  Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel.  But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with unexpressible groanings.  My whole soul was then in every word; I should cry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me, as if I had nothing to do with My mercy, but to bestow it on such as he.  Alas, poor soul! how art thou deceived!  It is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest.

110.  Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements as these: You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you; this frame shall not last always: many have been as hot as you for a spurt, but I have quenched their zeal (and with this, such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes).  Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and take what care I can.  Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little.  What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling your heart, if I can do it at last?  Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep: I will ply it close, but I will have my end accomplished.  Though you be burning hot at present, I can pull you from this fire; I shall have you cold before it be long.

111.  These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it (like her who met with adulterer, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered these things a while:—I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, etc., shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Rom. viii. 38, 39.  And now I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.